I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
