saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
