She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
