I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
