hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
