last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I deserve this hangover.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
