So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
