Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
smell my finger.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
