Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
