Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
