and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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