If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
