Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
