I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
