I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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