This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
