Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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