swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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