Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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