I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
