I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
