Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
