I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
