i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
