Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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