since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
