New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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