I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
