Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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