Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
