do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you win again, gameday.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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