We're like a lot better than the average bears
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
