I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
God I need to hump something, right now.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
