thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
