just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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