he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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