She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
