I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
