how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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