a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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