dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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