we have pet lesbian snakes
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Watching her eat just hurts me
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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