Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Come share oat with me in your robe
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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