either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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