oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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