Whod you bang
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
