Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
