I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
