hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
