you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
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My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
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my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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