You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
