Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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