I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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