I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
