So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
