What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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