I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
