So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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