I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
