I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
