we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
