Buhtt sex?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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