The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
