my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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