A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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